Friday, June 01, 2007

Letters From Aggle

Been awhile, huh?

I can't believe I haven't posted anything in here since January. It's gonna take me a while to dust off the blogging chops (if I ever really had any to begin with). To do so, I'm going to write some letters to people who will likely never read them.

Let's see, where should I start?

Politics? Sure, why not.

Fred Thompson,

Gimme somethin' big chief. I like your style, truly I do. But what's your problem? Why'd you wait so long to formally declare that you're gonna formally declare sometime in the near future? I think you've got a no-nonsense attitude that would serve the American people well after 8 years of pure and utter nonsense.

My real question is, have you hamstrung yourself by waiting? Is it really just an elaborate trial balloon for 2012? 'Cause you're not getting any younger, fella. And your star-power won't counteract the creepy soap-opera looks of the Romneybot forever, you know.

We all know that running for President is all about the money, no matter how much Senator McCain wants people to think he thinks it shouldn't be. (-- Despite the seeming unintelligibility of that last sentence, I'm quite proud of it --) Can you possibly get enough? I know it might seem like I'm making fun, but I'm not. I think you're the best choice of all the Republican candidates out there, really, unless Rudy "PollyAnny" Giuliani grows a pair and becomes an actual conservative.

No, I don't think that'll happen. Let me tell you this: I'm not willing to see you have just strong enough a showing to make a Giuliani-Thompson ticket. In my eyes, that'd be like paying for prime rib, and instead getting a plate of bologna (or Giuliogna, if you will. Man, is his name fun to make fun of!).

Since I haven't really gone anywhere with this letter, I'll go ahead and wrap it up. My last question is, if you somehow overcome the severe latecomer handicap and become the Republican nominee; and then overcome the handicap of not possessing any of the qualities that have made Barack and Hilary cause waves of ecstasy to course through the Democratic Party (and by that I obviously mean the drug, not the emotion)...

Can I be your Attorney General?

Love, your BFF,



Rudy Giuliani,

Forget what I said to Fred up there, I was just trying to make him feel better about the trampling he's gonna get under your wishy-washy pseudo-liberal-but-I-hate-liberals-even-though-I-share-most-of-their-views-on-just-about-every-issue machine, brutha!

Fight the conservative power is what I always say. I've only got three questions for you, my friend (with maybe a sub-question or two attached to each).

1. Does your bathroom mirror actually show both of your faces in the morning?
a. If so, which one do you shave?

2. Do you consider yourself a hero after 9/11?
a. If so, is it a pastrami hero, or a Giuliogna hero? (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

3. Can I be your Attorney General?
a. If not, why not?

Your friend-even-though-I'm-not-your-friend-because-I-disagree-with-you-on-just-about-every-issue,



Mitt Romneybot,

Okay, I get the whole "looking Presidential" thing, 'cause man, do you look Presidential. Truth be told, I think you ought to team up with Fred Thompson. You could be the face of the Presidency, and he could do all the actual work. That way, you'd get to develop some mad Ashlee-Simpson-style lip syncing skills, (because let's face it, Fred's got the better voice) and you wouldn't have to dirty up your soul with all the coffee and soft-drinks a President must drink each and every day to stay coherent (Bush must have sworn off caffeine when he left Austin). And Fred wouldn't scare small children during public appearances, because he'd be secure in a bunker under the White House typing his words into the Romneybot3000 Interface Control Apparatus (which I'm relatively confident is now housed somewhere in a basement on the BYU campus).

Okay, so maybe I was kinda sorta kidding about the whole Interface Control thing. Still, its existence has not been disproven, so I can't entirely rule it out.

Clank on, Romneybot!

Oh, and can I be your Attorney General? No? How about your official hair-gel valet?


John McCain,

I can't find a place in my life for a guy from Arizona. I know, you've lived everywhere and all, but Arizona is where you chose to hang your political hat. For some reason, many of the people in the party I've grown to love to hate, really love to love you. Is it because you're so gosh-darn honest? Or is it because you're not but they believe you are?

I can't figure it out. The "straight-talk Express" might get me all excited, if it said anything remotely resembling something I want to hear. You seem to be able to tell people what they want to hear on a regular basis, Johnny, so come on. Tell me I can be your Attorney General or something. I promise I won't fire anyone I'm not specifically told to fire by your political masterminds. And I won't tell anyone about it, either. I don't even own a Blackberry, and the RNC email server is waaay too uncool to host my jaws.

No, seriously, some people say they could never vote for a Mormon (although the Romneybot will find them and crush their hearts in his iron grip). I could never vote for someone who hails from a state where the official state drink is prune juice (excuse me, "dried plum juice"). You Baby Boomers have done enough damage to this country already. It's time for a younger, hipper state to put forth a candidate. Like Tennessee.

Unless it's Al Gore, or, as I like to call him, "LiberalRomneybot Prototype X1."

Your Constituents' Great-great-great Grandson,


A quick note to some other Republican hopefuls:

Tommy Thompson,

You must withdraw immediately. I can't have you accidentally siphoning votes from Fred just because you have the same last name and most Southern Republicans can't read all that well. If you choose to stay in, be careful, because if Fred and the Romneybot join forces, well, let's just say the Romneybot'll be comin' for ya.

Tom Tancredo,

Did you know, that if you hum different notes, you can make a song sometimes? Think about it.

Ron Paul,

As much as I loooooove many of your Libertarian ideals, Ronnie, you've got about as much chance of winning as Freddy Irwin "Messiah" Sitnick. I know, say it ain't so. Drop out now and beg the Fred-Romneybot camp to make you their VP. I'd love to see you causing havoc in the Senate. You could replace the gavel with a great-big pair of gold forceps.


Duncan Hunter,

Seriously, dude. Are you really a Republican? A trial lawyer? From California? It'd be kind of funny if you weren't the Co-Chair of the Congressional Task Force on Bowhunting. 'Cause really. I'm not laughing at you. Really. I hear arrows hurt.

And last, but not least,

Mildred T. "Millie" Howard,

Keep the faith, ma'am. You're nothing if not persistent.


Maybe I'll post something later about the Democrats' field. Maybe I'll wait another 6 months.



Carrie said...

Yea, the Great Aggle returns! Fred Thompson is the Republican party's best hope against Obama or Edwards. I'm still afraid that several of the Rs could beat Hilary.

Aggle said...


Edwards is painting himself into a far-left corner. Also, I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, but Obama is black.

I'm bettin' there's a whole lot more down-home repressed racism in the Democratic Party than you think.

Carrie said...

All those repressed racist Dems fled to the Republican party awhile ago.

And what about Edwards makes him far-left? I think his frankness appeals to a lot of people. But even if he is more "left" than Southern voters, he sounds so very Southern when he says it--kind of like how Southern ladies can say nasty things but it sounds so nice in their drawl.

Aggle said...

Southern ladies don't say nasty things that don't really need to be said ;-)

And, I didn't say that Edwards was far-left, I said he was painting himself into that corner. While Hilary and Barack are trying mightily to appeal to both the far-lefties and the moderates, I believe Edwards is attempting to lock in the staunch liberal votes in the hopes that disgust with the Republican party will win him the moderate vote in the general.

But don't take my word for it. If anybody ever tried to describe me as a pundit, they'd eat lead.

Carrie said...

I dig your pundintry. Post more often please. I get bored.