Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Doctrine Is Born

I have a new policy in my home. See, I have developed a "uniform rule of feeding my kids," you know, according to the Constitution of Aggle's House? Under that "uniform rule," my wife and I have "completely occupied the field" of feeding our children. Under that rule, we have agreed to provide them with 3 squares a day, plus the occasional snacks. Nobody else can make a law that provides for the feeding of my kids, not even other occupants of my house. My kids have no say in the matter.

This sucks for them, because if we decide not to feed them at all, they are officially preempted from feeding themselves. I and my wife are the only ones who can do it.

If they decide to try and feed themselves, I'll go to the Aggle's House District Court Judge for the Kitchen District, and have him (me)* issue an injunction forcing them to not feed themselves.

What are they gonna do, argue that the Constitution's unconstitutional?


I call it the "I'm gonna take my toys and go home, so no one can play with them" Doctrine.

*My wife couldn't be the District Court Judge, because the Supreme Court (also me) ruled officially that she didn't have a bar card and is thus precluded from serving in any judicial capacity.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lindsay Lohan's Passport Exclusive

Lohan missed court in Los Angeles and a warrant was issued for her arrest. Her attorney said she was "stuck in Paris," (oh, the humanity!) because her passport got stolen.

I know. A likely story, right?

But folks, it's true. I know because I have just purchased Lindsay Lohan's passport from an average, everyday piece of Parisian gutter-trash.

And without further ado...

Here it is!

It's an old picture, but whaddaya gonna do?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Crash the Tea Party?

"Our goal is that whenever a Tea Partier says 'Barack Obama was not born in America,' we're going be right there next to them saying, 'Yeah, in fact he wasn't born on Earth! He's an alien!'"

Monday, March 22, 2010

Health Care Bill -- Consequences

For those of you who live under rocks (don't worry, I'm sure the government will get to housing soon), the Democrats' health care bill passed last night.

Depending on where you're getting your news, the bill will (list exhausting, but by no means exhaustive):

1.) Either drive the country deeper into debt, or save the government tons of money;
2.) Create tons of jobs, or, well, cost tons of jobs;
3.) Help you buy insurance, give you insurance, or force you to buy more insurance even though you can barely afford the insurance you now have;
4.) Drive prices down through increased competition, or cause prices to go up through increased risk;
5.) Shore up Medicare, or gut Medicare;
6.) Allow you to control your own medical future, or give the government control over your medical future; and
7.) Kumbayah moonbeams and puppies, or grumble-grumble-grumble death of capitalism.

I'm already seeing those on the conservative side of the above arguments being called "irrational" (but hey, it's better than being called racist), even though nobody really knows whether this bill will produce the desired results. Some believe it will, some believe it won't.

Which brings me to my assignment. I want every American with a blog (and that's a lot of blogs) to post every time something health-care-bill-related happens to them, or which they personally witness happening to someone else. No "friend-of-a-friend told me," or "I heard that so-and-so." I want personally witnessed, brutally honest straight-from-the-horse's-mouth stuff, here.

This blog isn't really a high-traffic clearinghouse, but if my loyal readers (Hi, honey!) each tell 5 others, who each tell 5 others, etc., etc., before too long we'll have an Amway-style pyramid scheme of accountability going on.

I'd love it if I were somehow informed (by link or comment) of all the posts generated by everyone, but I'm afraid the increased traffic would cause my brains to leak out of my ears.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be covered for that.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Alito vs. Obama

Our Supreme Court Justices are generally supposed to be staid and unflappable. Occasionally, though, we get something fun like Scalia allegedly using an obscene hand gesture to a reporter, or Sotomayor grinding on the dance floor at a post-swearing-in-bacchanalia.

But, usually, they keep pretty low-key. That's why it's confusing to me that bunches of folks in the press (and a whole host of lefty bloggers) are making it seem as if Alito jumped out of his chair foaming at the mouth, and went for the President's throat right then and there. Like he went from Doctor Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and tore Schumer's head off (because he was handy) before picking up Sotomayor and flinging her broken body into the upper reaches of the gallery. He didn't "wince." He didn't frown. He shook his head, and quietly took Obama to school.

To those of you in the media (or blogs) who are even calling it a "breach of decorum," well, if the camera had stayed where Obama wanted it to stay (squarely on him, the handsome devil) nobody ever would have known about it. Except maybe Cheshire Cat Pelosi (is it just me, or did she look, well, wierd?).

Since Justice Alito is constrained from saying what he probably wants to say in response to Obama's little, though, I thought I'd take a shot...

"How did this guy ever get a job teaching ConLaw at U. of Chicago?"

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Just This

Adam James is a wuss. Mike Leach never should have given him a shot at big-time college ball.

But, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Adam, you obviously didn't inherit your father's football talent, but you sure did inherit his questionable ethics.

Here's hoping your selfishness and prima-donna attitude eventually catch up with you.

Oh, and ESPN? You suck, too.